A Year Older… Now What?

31.

Ugh. Just hearing that number now makes me nauseous. Call it over-reacting or whatever you want, but I feel so old today.

Some people may say that I’m too young to even feel this way towards being 31 years old. I can’t really pinpoint the reason why, but I guess I never thought I’d be where I am now by this age.

Two decades ago, during a late night drinking session with friends, someone asked me where I see myself when I’m 30. I said I’d probably have at least one kid. No, I didn’t say I’d probably be married or very successful in my chosen field. All I expected was to be a mother when I finally hit my 30s.

Now, I’m single and no baby on the way. And I’m actually okay with the former since I chose to be single, but it’s the latter that’s kept me thinking. As much as I’d like to elaborate on that, I guess it’s better to keep the details confidential for now. Only my best friends know the story behind this.

Wait, don’t get me wrong. I am happy with where I am now. I said HAPPY, not satisfied. Why? Because I know I still have a ton of things I can accomplish in my lifetime. What’s keeping me from fulfilling my dreams, my bucket list? One word – procrastination.

My bro kids me, saying I have ADHD ’cause I can’t keep my mind set to finishing one task first before moving on to another. But, I am well aware of what’s happening, so I call it me procrastinating.

For the past years, I let my life continue on, barely making any changes that would impact my future or the path I’m leading. I’ve always said I’ll live one day at a time. That might work for some people, but not with me. It hasn’t worked for the past two decades, so I doubt it’ll work for the coming years.

Today, on the first day of my 31st year on Earth, I vow to make my life more meaningful. I vow to surround myself with people who truly love me, who are happy when I’m around, who make me oh-so grateful to know I have them in my life, who shower me with positive vibes when I’m on my lowest low.

I vow to spend more time with my nanay. Though I consider us close, I haven’t really spent any real bonding moment with her. So, this is the first thing on my list.

I vow to continue doing what truly makes me happy and what I genuinely love. I have to keep myself happy. And eventually, I want to be satisfied at the same time.

When my time comes and I have to pass on to the next life, I want people to look back at the times they spent with me and smile. Not because I travelled the world, or was very successful in life, but because they believed that I spent the last years of my life appreciating every second of my existence.

Thank you to everyone who greeted me on Facebook, through texts and even emails.

Thank you to all my friends who made my 31st birthday special by coming over to our home and celebrating with my family.

My high school best friends May and Jaan My high school best friends May and Jaan (tell Martin it was nice to finally meet him!).

My long-time friends Mhon and Erap My long-time friends Mhon and Erap – salamat sa di pang-indyan! ^_^

My dearest friends May, Saji and her partner Buena My dearest friends May (take 2), Saji and her partner Buena.

Thank you, bro, Kenneth, for preparing all the delicious dishes from last night. I know you were complaining, but I can see naman you were happy to do it kahit papano. *LOL*

Thank you, Nanay, for putting up with me and sacrificing so much of your life for our family. I hope and pray I get to show you how much I truly love and appreciate everything you’ve done for us.

And thank You, Lord, for keeping me grounded… for showering me with blessings, especially during those times that I’m in need… for keeping my family together no matter how stormy it’s been the past months… for every success, failure, hardship, joy, and pain I’ve experienced in the past 31 years for they all molded me to who I am now… for all the friends who I know truly care for me in spite of all my imperfections… for those times when You remind me I have so much to be thankful for… THANK YOU.

It was indeed a HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME after all. :)