What If…

…he’s really my “the one who got away”? Maybe. I know he’ll love me so much, he’ll not know what to do with all of the emotions and the passion.

What if we ended up together? Though I’m happy where I am now – with a stressful yet fulfilling job and enjoying my singlehood – times like tonight make me think about the what-could’ve-beens.

“Ikaw kasi eh, bakit mo ko iniwan…”

It didn’t really sound like a question. It sounded more like, “you could’ve been happy with me if you didn’t leave me.” And in my head, I’m like, “were we even together?!” ๐Ÿ˜€

The real question is, will we even still be together if we didn’t break up at that very moment over a decade ago that he seems to still vividly remember? Knowing me, I feel like we wouldn’t end up together no matter what choose-your-own-adventure sequence of events we follow. There’s not much there to hold on to that could’ve kept us together.

I guess it’s better this way. He has his own family now, with smart kids and a lovely wife, who has no idea about this thing between her husband and I. I’d rather stay as the long-time friend he’s still very much close with.

Dang. I’m still thinking about what he said and what could’ve been. I knew he was in love with me back then. Head over heels. But he felt like I wouldn’t take him seriously. I wished he tried. We did have this mutual understanding, and in some way, I did feel something for him. He didn’t have the courage to pursue me ’cause he was scared of what I could do to him emotionally. I really wish he did try. I’m sure he would’ve been one of the most memorable loves of my life. ๐Ÿ™‚

Okay, enough of this shit. ๐Ÿ˜€

Probinsyana

As soon as I got out of the cab, I could literally smell and feel it – the warm breeze filled with the scent of tree leaves and the sea. Ahhhh I’m home.

Since I moved out of our home in Malabon last year, I’ve only been back here exactly 3 times. This Holy Week, I made a promise to my nanay that I’ll be staying here until Easter Sunday. And so here I am. ๐Ÿ˜€

It’s funny how I tease my nanay, saying that I don’t like Malabon anymore, in my own version of the conyo twang.

“My gaaddddd. It’s so init here! Like, oh my gosh!!”

She laughed so hard, but I know she can feel there’s some truth to what I’m saying. But to be honest, though I completely enjoy living in Makati now since almost everything I need is accessible, I still love the “serenity” of living here in Malabon. I had to use double quotes for serenity since this isn’t your normal kind of peace and quiet. ๐Ÿ˜€

Just the other day, I had thisย small talk with a colleague. I asked him where he’ll be staying for the long weekend, and when it was my turn to tell him I’ll be going home to Malabon, he said,

“Di ba mahihirapan kang umuwi ng probinsya nun?”

Of course, I reacted, quite loudly.

“Grabe ka namannnnnnn!! Di pa probinsya ang Malabon!!”

He apologized profusely while I laughed my effing ass off. ๐Ÿ˜€

It wasn’t the first time someone mistakenly thought Malabon is no longer a part of Metro Manila. We’re located at the top-most part of the Metro, and you’re one tisod / tumbling away from Obando, Bulacan. People here already have their own accent (we call it punto). So, yeah, I understand why they’d think that. ๐Ÿ˜€

His reaction made me stop and wonder whenever I go out to our mini-patio, our backyard and the streets. It does feel a li’l provincial over here. You hear the gentle yet roaring sounds of trikes (that use motorbikes) passing by. There are trees surrounding our home, but they’re not ours. ๐Ÿ˜€ I can actually pick green mangoes from our neighbor ’cause the tree’s branch reaches out up to our front gate.

And, of course, there’s this relaxing feeling that you’re at home and you don’t have to worry about anything else. I missed my nanay’s loving attention, preparing lunch and dinner, making sure we’re eating 4-5 times a day. ๐Ÿ˜€

But with all that said, I also miss being independent. At my age, I don’t want to be a burden on my nanay anymore, which is also one of the reasons I decided to move out despite my worries and concerns about living far away from her. I want her to have less worries in life and just enjoy. I don’t want her to continue taking care of me (she just couldn’t help it, I tell yah!)ย because I want her to think of herself for once. She’s been so selfless my whole life. She deserves to have a worry-free life after all the sacrifices she’s done for me and my bro.

My bro decided to go back and live here again with her. Though I’m happy my nanay will have someone to accompany her, the thoughts of my bro being a burden to her again, and him not developing into someone who’s truly independent of our nanay’s care, are weighing down on me. I guess time will tell where this will lead us. All I know is I need to be more independent, take care of myself, and be on my own.

In the meantime, I’ll enjoy my last 2 days here at our ‘province’. ๐Ÿ˜€

Homesick

It’s been over 2 months since I went back to our home in Malabon. I’m starting to feel really homesick, especially when I see photos of my bro and our nanay traveling together and eating out without me. ๐Ÿ™

Homesick

To be honest, if my nanay and Marcel weren’t there and they’re with me, I don’t think I’ll feel this homesick. I’ve adjusted well with living alone, or living far away from my family. Well, except for Ken, but I feel like he’ll soon be moving out. I’m doing pretty okay living all alone. I enjoy the independence, having to worry about just me. But there are days like tonight when I miss having our nanay take care of things for me.

In about 3 weeks, I’ll be going back home for a few days. It’ll serve as my vacation from all the craziness that’s been happening to me at work and in my personal life. I need a breather. I actually need a long vacation somewhere far, but that’ll have to wait til the last week of April or May probably. I desperately need a break.

I’m also thinking about moving out of my current condo. I still enjoy the convenience of just crossing the street when I’m going to work or when I’m tired after a long day at work. But there’s something about this current situation that’s also stressing me out. My home and the place where I work are just too fricking close that I sometimes feel like my condo is an extension of the office. I need to move away to feel more rested, really.

I still have a few months to save enough money and plan my moving out. My rental here has been taking a toll on me financially. I need to start saving up!! Hopefully, I’ll get to move somewhere that’ll help me save enough money for my future plans.

*sigh* Just the thought of having to pack my stuff again, move out, unpack and organize my things is making me sick. ๐Ÿ˜€ But it has to be done. I have no choice. ๐Ÿ˜€